Partida Rol por web

Interesting titles...

"Hard Rock"... ^_^

beautiful girl (Faris), absurd promise (Leonid)... these look promising

The "drugs saga" : Broken drugs (Weistol) and Fallen in drugs (Sekiito)... I think this is a great idea!

Absurd Wall (Melpo): interesting

saecel: Terrifying Guitar... hehehe

And "Hard Rock" for me... OK, it could´ve been worse. But, it´s the exact same title I got on the same exercise in the Spanish writing workshop. I mean... What are the odds? (1 in 400 but that´s not the point)

Ah, my bad regarding the task, I had posted it on September 1st but I messed up and you could not see the post... Sorry.

@Faris

Nice story!

he had chosen still in the assembly line => this sounds a bit weird, as if he had chosen the plane while he was still (as in, not moving). The complement goes with “he” instead of the plane. Maybe something like: “he had chosen her while she was still in the assembly line”

He had a paint can in his hand => I interpret this in the sense that he had the can in his palm. Maybe “he was carrying a paint can”

without breath => it´s OK, I prefer “breathless” here, but it´s not a grammar issue as such

We’ll call her like my mother. => hmm, how about: “we´ll name her after my mother”

I liked the story, it is very dynamic and well structured. Fun to read :)

@saecel

Oh, poor you! Tough title no doubt. But you have overcome this difficulty and produced a great piece of writing. Superb writing actually, and you have even managed to capture that “period feel”.

The pace is good, and the way the story flows. I found a few things to comment:

The 39th Dorsetshire Regiment, was granted the honor to be the first among equals.=> scrap the comma.

But the sight of the scorched houses and corps, though disheartening at it might be, did nothing but strengthening our motivation and our determination did not falter => great sentence. But I think the expression is “as it might be”. And “did nothing but strengthen” sounded better to me than “strengthening” in this case, but I did find some uses of the latter.

And it was back then when the real terrors begun hunting us at night. => began

and out safety => our (typo)

played by what cannot be defined otherwise but a true virtuoso => it looks OK, not sure why I put it here. There is something here I cannot put my finger on right now, but t does not sound 100% right. How does this sound: “cannot be defined as anything but” ?

Phew, cool use of vocabulary. I had to look up “maimed” and some others hehe

apparently finally decided to retreat => strange word order

No screams was heard => were

Thank you for sharing the story, much appreciated.

@Captain Vari

I met with my favourite friend => if you wish to say "I saw my favourite friend" then it´s "I met my (...)", no "with". If you wish to introduce your friend to us, then you need to change the verb

There is a full stop missing in the first sentence, and a few more throughout. It´s a good idea to make a full stop.

absrud creture => absurd creature

speak with he => with him

no far => not far

differents type cars => different types of cars

to long journey => for a long journey

journey throught => journey through

lands => here it would be "terrain"

small cars like to citroen saxo => like the Citroen Saxo; such as the Citroen Saxo

A few days the topic of the conversation are  => as it is, the sentence does not make sense to me. You can say "For a few days, the topic of the conversation has been" or "A few days AGO, the topic of the conversation was"

this day I can´t hold off  => I think I know what you want to say here, but it´s not correct. "Still today, I can´t avoid laughing when" or something to that effect

Keep writing!

@Melpo

After the Absurd Creature, now there is this Absurd Wall :) I liked this story too, the idea of having different scenes with the wall as the common element was nice.

"isn´t" VS "is not" => Ah, the contractions. I don´t really mind one way or another, but you started with "It is" and then went on with using "isn´t". As long as there is a narrative reason for this, it´s OK. But as a rule of thumb, it´s better to stick with one or the other, either use them or don´t. Or use them in dialogues only. Anyways, that is really another matter completely. Back to the story.

nobody remembers nothing => in English double negative is bad. It´s used quite often to depict uneducated people (and obviously, it is used often when talking). But it is considered a grammar mistake. So, the correct thing to write is "nobody remembers anything".

put in the ground => this would mean like "bury" or put something inside. From the context, it´s "put on the ground"

He catches a spray that was inside the bag => hmm, maybe "takes out from the bag". To catch is to pursue something or someone. If you want to express that he was looking for it, then maybe "finds a spray"

at the begining => "at first" sounds better since you used "begin" already in the previous sentence. Also the word is not spelled correctly, it´s "beginning".

like the others that were decorating the wall yet => already

she put => she puts

they are full with vegetables => "filled with" or "full of" sound better

so she could arrive home => she can, careful with the verb tenses

their bodies leaned in the wall => you lean "against" a wall, not "in" the wall

he kiss her => he kisses her

He orders me to tear down it => to tear it down (word order)

@Sekiito

OK, next. Turn for the Act One of the Drug saga. First, I think it was a great idea to write a two-part story.

believed in it (the story) => this is tricky. To believe IN something is to have faith on something. To believe a story as a whole, you can drop the "in". So just "I never believed it"

Contractions: hmm, you either use them or you don´t. Not a big deal, just that one of my teachers insisted on this and it sort of stuck with me.

My friends couldn´t be caught for a group of Gnomes => couldn´t have been caught by

They were fallen in Drugs => hmm, maybe "had fallen" makes more sense. A tough call

who knows where are they now => word order. "Who knows where they are now". The "who knows" changes the word order of the sentence

I trought that paper => threw (to throw).

mushrom => mushroom

I was investigating my friends lost => "lost" is an adjective. I think the word you are looking for is "disappearance"

I can not  => I cannot

to have an interview => sounds a bit weird. You DO an interview for a newspaper and such. Maybe "to meet with him" would be sufficient.

This guy version => it´s a genitive, so "this guy´s version"

reason about their lost => reason behind their disappearance

kidnaped => kidnapped

but they only one => but the only one

So I focus my ears to him and I listen all his full version at the same time that I enjoined  => careful with the verb tenses. "focused", "listened" and "enjoyed"

an huge finger => by a huge finger

to listen mexican music => to listen TO Mexican music

hurting me everytime more => word order!

wistled to my ears => whistled into my ears

hunging => hanging

I could see them from my eyes => with my eyes (?)

4 => I prefer numbers 1-9 in letters... :)

I had not more tears => "I had no more tears" or "I did not have anymore tears"

that made me know about what happend => made me understand/know what had happened

there was not thing as Gnomes => there was no such thing as Gnomes

I will break his drugs => sounds weird somehow. Maybe "destroy his drugs"

@Leonid

An "Absurd Promise"... Nice story, really liked it. Absolutely brilliant vocabulary, I´d really like to be able to write like that.

I noticed you wrote "ocasional", it´s spelled with two "c"

Thank you for sharing, it´s a cool story and scary as hell.

@Hikari_undomiel

The Enchanted Argument... I liked the story. It was simple, but it had good pace and it all looked correct to me as far as I can see.

Ah, "football" should be "footballer" I think